red shoes, red skillet

Um. Um, um, um, um, um.

It’s been a while, blog. Since the John Mayer post, I’ve bought a Moleskine sketchbook that’s become a sort of notebook. And now that’s sitting, barely two months old, on my desk under a bunch of stuff. I have a real problem with journals. I used to buy pretty books to use as journals and I ended up never writing in them. I’d write in them from time to time, when I felt writerly or up to venting slowly. I think the same thing goes for blogs, too. I used to write multiple entries a week last year when I had the whole DBSK thing going on and I had all the fangirly love of Susan and Lenna and Fides. Then Xanga shuddered to a stop during the summer and died when I got this wordpress. Since abandoning Xanga (which I’d used since 7th grade), I made this one and a livejournal. I never got used to blogging on LJ and I’m still not used to wordpress (the whole “moderate comments” thing really gets to me with the multiple emails and stuff when there’s the rare comment to approve).

I think this blog and journal thing is a fine example of my flightiness. I’m pretty bad at committing to things, from k-dramas to club activities to personal habits. I have a lot of club activities listed in my college applications, but I’ve never stayed for longer than a year. Heck, I wrote that I’d continue doing the spring musical on my applications and the auditions were yesterday and even though the shows are going to be put on before spring break, I decided not to do it. I didn’t want to put myself through that again, not as a senior. As I was slowly, slowly walking out of school yesterday, I mulled over my decision, and the things I would do with my free time.

I started out this year wrapped up in four after-school activities: Forensics, The Survey, Yearbook, and my job. It’s the second term and almost spring, and I only have my job left. I quit The Survey early on because my heart wasn’t in it and Taylor was acting too high and mighty for me. I stopped going to yearbook after the intruder incident (not because of it, though), but had gone only once or twice a month because in the beginning, meetings were sporadic and I like routine. Wow, I sound like such a bitchy princess. But yeah, I stopped going. And I stopped going to Forensics also because of the sporadic nature (even though now they meet almost every day since the season is ending and nationals are coming up) and because it felt weird, as a newcomer among these people that had been doing it for a long time–not to say that I was the only newcomer, but I was always uneasy in Forensics. I want to go back, though. I love performing and acting!

So all I have left now is my job. I go to work every Friday after school and every Saturday. I love my job. Sure, it’s not an after school activity where I can make real friends, but there are so many aspects that I like.

It’s 10:59 right now, and I have barely one homework assignment (oh I hate that phrase, but there’s no better phrase) done. And I’m starting to feel bad. Can I really not commit myself? Is that why I’d always envisioned myself a single mother? There’s this quote, and I don’t remember the exact words (I rarely remember the exact words), but it was along the lines of “if you do too much at once, you’ll get nothing done.”

I…don’t know where to go from here. This is such a depressing blog entry. I need to write about something happier, but I’m starting to get sleepy.

Well, Fabio brought me Oreos yesterday. And I painted his nails for him today, and people were complimenting his beautiful nails. And…I got home and washed the breakfast dishes and put away the new groceries my aunt brought. And I kind of bonded with my cousin Anna over Cooking Mama: Cookoff. I’m trying to recall the good things from today. I read in Real Simple or Reader’s Digest that listing the things you are thankful for or the things that made you happy that day will make you feel better and sleep easier.

I enjoyed being snarky with Jonathan today. I played fairly well in volleyball today, and I know I’m getting better. I laughed at the gender bender boys. And…I totally fell asleep in math.

Oh no.

I’m not Christian in the churchgoing sense, but I kind of believe. On facebook, I have my religion down as “agnostic,” that I believe in something but don’t really follow anything. I have to admit, though, that I pray and talk to God when I’m desperate (who doesn’t?), but lately I’ve been saying my thanks. I didn’t fall immediately asleep the other night, and took that time to stare up past my glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling to thank God for everything that’s happened, good and bad. After that, I kind of see things as trials for me to go through. I believe that everything happens for a reason, that I’ve met the people I know for a reason–to change them or change myself, to learn or teach, to love or be loved.

There are a lot of Is in this entry. I’m a pretty selfish person, truth be told.

11:15. I write ridiculously long blog entries, I know.

Back to the journal thing. So I spent about $18 on this beautiful Moleskine sketchbook, and I started pouring my heart out (the things I won’t post here), and I stopped. I want to continue, and fill it up with words and my slanting script so I can look back on it one day and laugh at myself or remember the things I can’t remember.

I’d like to go off on a tangent now and talk about the experience I suddenly remembered and the annoying song I suddenly remembered the music and lyrics to, but I won’t. Joel is back from showering and will probably want to see this insane entry.

Over a thousand words, oh my.